In conversing with a friend tonight, we chatted about relationships and other lessons life has offered us. Whether it be family, friends or romance, relationships can be complex – or rather the people within the relationships can be complicated.
I was thinking about my most recent relationship. I love him, always will – but I didn’t love our relationship and that is why I finally needed to part ways. It wasn’t healthy for me. And I realized that I wasn’t healthy for him, even if that wasn’t his decision. I may never move on, who knows, but he afforded me the opportunity to work through my own issues. There’s a lesson within every relationship – and he may have been my best.
People say remember the good times, the memories that make you smile. I beg to differ.
We need to remember the reality, the relationship as it was when we felt compelled to leave – not what it was when we felt elated, in love and wonderful. Most often we stay in relationships because we want to resuscitate those feelings, yet one or the other either isn’t capable or doesn’t want to. I tried for a long time, too long, before I accepted where we were in that moment when I finally said enough is enough. I wasn’t leaving him – but I was leaving the relationship because it wasn’t only not working for me, it was destroying me. And the promises made at the start – he didn’t want to fix that, to make it better. He was right – he couldn’t be the man that I needed, because he obviously was putting on an act in the first couple of years and I was simply asking where that man went? Maybe that man never existed. Maybe I was ready to love, to open my heart – and despite the fact that he thought he was there, he wasn’t, despite best intentions.
May he find what he needs – or wake-up to the fact that he wants his family in tact and go back to his childhood love and make it work. Truth is, nothing would make me happier than to hear they reunited. I truly believe that there is a lot of love and history there that was lost due to miscommunication and ego – or maybe not. My issues, were her issues. Maybe he isn’t capable – I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt.
I’m not invincible. I have those nights where my mind runs through what was, and what I wanted it to be. I only wanted back what once was. But the words and signals were confusing and upsetting, dragging me down and depleting me. It was time to close the door and move on.
There are moments when I feel that I abandoned him – left him when he needed me the most. Yet I am sure that’s a fantasy, something made-up in my mind because whenever we took a break, he had no problem moving on. I’m sure he has no idea where he’s going – or maybe he does, and I’m the fool. I’ve grown enough to admit that if I’m involved with someone, may I be their first thought and priority – not the last or even worse, met with indifference.
And the lesson is? Don’t be blinded by the good times, be cognizant of the reality. The good times will always be rose-colored. Take care of you and be ready to see things in black and white. Be cognizant of why you left – not why you wanted to stay.