Noone prepares us for life, no matter how much training we think we have. One of my favorite lines from a book, “The Secret Life of Bees,” is “we never know who we’ll be when life gets through with us.” That couldn’t be closer to the truth – it is the truth!
There has been much loss in my life, and each day the losses accumulate. It’s almost as if we may become somewhat acclimated to another illness, another hospice admission, another death. I don’t intend my words to sound at all cold, indifferent, or desensitized – in fact, it’s the opposite. I feel every feel deeply – the emotions often strong enough to stop my breath, quicken my heartbeat, and exhaust my soul. Yet the mind needs to stay focused, to forge forward and ensure everyday tasks – such as family, work, and life essentials, are taken care of.
Maybe you can relate to a time when you found yourself strolling the produce aisle, searching for the perfect zucchini or apple, when suddenly you’re overcome with emotion. The supermarket music selections you hummed along with struck a chord, or at minimum, accompanied the orchestra playing in your mind – a full-blown symphony of ‘WTH?’ Where did this come from? I’m OK – question mark, exclamation point.
To see our parents aging, those who are blessed to still have them struggling beside us, all of us figuring out our new ‘normal.’ To get call after call, notification after notification, email after email, that someone dear to us is ill – or in hospice or has passed away.
Though I don’t particularly like these words – it sucks. It definitely sucks.
As I escorted my father into the hospital today, helping him on and off with his jacket then assisting him to sit, stand, and communicate – my heart was heavy, yet at peace in some strange, and metaphysical way. It is my turn to take care of him – despite his countless objections – in the way that he cared for me throughout my life, since day one. No, since I was conceived, and until – recently.
A neighbor passed this weekend – and though this was anticipated over the course of several years, the hurt and loss are no less painful. Another neighbor sounds like he is in life review, the stage when you revisit the past while transitioning – and though we knew he struggled, the loss will be heavy should he not be here tomorrow, or the next, or the next to remind me to ‘keep smiling.’ Friends’ parents enduring rehab, illness, and mental struggles. Friends with cancer, chronic illness, mental illness, and more. So many struggling, no matter what the cause or effect. Life is heavy.
I wonder at what point I will break, actually let go and release all of the emotion within. Right now, it is disguised as efficiency, composure, and a ridiculously sharp sense of humor. But I am running on anxiety and adrenaline, intensely dreading what’s to come even though I take it one day – one moment at a time.
This, is the circle of life.
❤️🩹💔then whole again🩷