*Names are omitted and other specifics may be vague to respect those who inspired this post.*
I don’t think there is any worse feeling in the world than the one that arises from not being able to help those we love.
When we can see clearly the personality and physical changes, the emotional distance and attitude shift. When you’re in the same room, yet your loved one is not even present. When you try to help, and you’re chastised or pushed away.
Tonight, with a few simple questions, I was slightly crucified – and believe me, I appreciate that because it makes me evaluate my intentions and actions, then learn how those are perceived by others.
Sometimes what we think people appreciate, they actually resent. Sometimes when we think we’re doing good, we’re totally screwing up. Then we feel hurt, bitter and angry – but need to step back and assess where it’s coming from, look deeper for the root cause, and adapt.
“You want to fix everything. You’re involved in this committee and that committee, volunteering and trying to make a difference everywhere. I have to fix things, it’s up to me,” I was told. Wow, an admission. Yet –
Stunned. Pissed. Awoken.
A recount of recent things we’ve done and places we’ve been, wonderful memories. An admission that there is a boredom, every day is the same. But that is life, for the most part, if you don’t have passions, hobbies, or activities to engage you. I can’t get at what exactly is wrong. It hurts.
I know that I’m a fixer. I know that I’m solution based. But I always believed that I let others guide me, following their lead. I didn’t think my helpfulness or suggestions were intrusive or offensive, but a gentle nudge to make everything ok.
When your circle is small, that circle is your universe, emotions run deep. Feelings can be overwhelming. And when you question who to turn to in times like this, that is a reality check.
How I miss my best friend, the one person who was always there, through thick or thin. She could always make things better. She challenged me, supported me, and was there for me, as I was for her. You were taken way too soon.
Tonight, I asked, who can or would I turn to? Who could advise and support me as I encourage and support my loved ones?
We are all alone at the end of any day. Yet I’m not so sure right now that I want to handle this on my own. And the reality is, the people we think would be there, rarely are.
As I close this day, I reflect upon what I thought were helpful acts, that erupted into irritation and upset.
As I close this day, I fight hard against making that irritation about myself – accepting the fact that something much deeper is at play.
Observance. Patience. Acceptance.
Good Lord, help us all and help me do what’s right for those I love.
