There are pivotal times in our lives and I think today may have been a monumental one in mine. It was the day that I shed all of my patience, tolerance, acceptance, positivity, diplomacy and serenity. It was one of the rare – but definitely growing more frequent – times when I’d had enough. I was done with stupidity. I was done with the manipulators. I was done with those playing the victim. I was done with the lack of teamwork. And I was done with people who only think about themselves and will destroy anyone in their path to get their own way, elevate their own status or cover for their own mistakes.
I was just done.
My spirit has historically carried me through the most difficult of times. The mediator, the diplomat and the one who could find the silver lining when there may have actually been none. The person who fought for fairness, truth and balance – always will. The person who would not humiliate others, even if they deserved it, and would give them the benefit of the doubt. But today, I grew tired. Tired of the fakes. Tired of the phonies. Tired of those who don’t play nice in the sandbox.
I was just tired.
The reason I wonder if this was monumental is because I’ve found it happening more and more as I grow older – and hopefully, wiser. My patience for ignorance, rudeness and selfishness is dwindling. My old habit of fixing and saving people has died and been buried. The more chaotic society becomes, the more I want to take care of my own and salvage my sanity, finding ways to remove myself from the madness and feed my soul.
I was reminded of one of my favorite movies and a character of whom I’m quite fond – Ouiser, played by Shirley MacLaine, in Steel Magnolias. She was a grumpy old girl who had some great one liners, like this one that resonates with my feelings as of late: “Don’t try to get on my good side. I no longer have one.”
In the past, I found difficult people a challenge and ironically, they were drawn to me like moths to flame. The grouchy, nasty and negative types must have been attracted to something in me that they lacked – happy, spirited and positive. And now I question if my lifetime of taking them on has stolen a bit of my blissful nature. Have they won? Did they wear me down and suffocate what I thought was an indestructible strength? Or have I finally matured, removing the blinders and realizing that some people are just anal openings, plain and simple?
But it’s really not about them. It was a lousy day. It was a day that I couldn’t get one win and like Murphy’s Law states, everything that could go wrong, did. I had to deal with the lowest of them and experience the evil that walks among us – as if I’m some saint, NOT!
The real issue was my coping mechanisms – or lack thereof – on that given day. My spirit was low and my heart was heavy. I wasn’t feeling particularly motivated and I was down on myself. I was angry, hurt, hopeless and wallowing in self-pity. It doesn’t happen often but when it does, it’s ugly and I don’t even like being around myself. I chose to blame others for getting to me when in reality, I got to myself. It is me who is in control of my thoughts, feelings and reactions to life’s trials and tribulations. It is me who needs to find an outlet or practice that can move me through those trying times with less stress and more serenity – not focusing on the negative that surrounds me, but making more of an effort to seek out the positive. Find the gratitude. And continue to spread the love.
It is a fact. I am done with the manipulators and fakes. And I am tired of those who are selfish, callous and negative. But I need to work with them and interact with them no matter how I feel – or how much I don’t want to. I need to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can and have the wisdom to know the difference. But more importantly, I need to put that into practice and learn to let go when a day goes downhill fast.
A bad day is not a bad life – and tomorrow is another chance to begin again.