There are so many posts, memes, comments and hopes about happiness. But what is the real-life definition of happiness? Is it a state of being or a momentary feeling that comes and goes like a passing shower?
Given my own current state of being, I posed that exact question to myself tonight: “Am I happy?” And the response most everyone wants to read is YES – what’s your secret?!
Knowing full well that I’m about to disappoint, the answer is NO and I came to this realization while on the treadmill walking at an 8% incline with visions of my body displayed in a casket with no one at the wake. It was that grueling and raw of a moment.
This woman once laughed at a 15% incline, boasted her self-discipline when it came to non-nutritious foods and had the spirit of a true warrior. But it seems that she went on holiday and I’m begging for her return. There are moments when she visits, however, she all too quickly fades into the background like a distant dream. God knows I need her back.
During this epiphany, I was faced with the reality that sloth, gluttony and possible – but debatable – self-pity have dominated my life for the past couple of months. My own personal battle started on Christmas Day, 2019, but my full-blown loss of the war commenced in June, when I admitted defeat and began crawling to a destination unknown. And truth be told, that destination is still a mystery that I work to figure out every day.
What is happiness?
I’m blessed, grateful and could not appreciate or value more the life I have. I’m a lot of things, but happiness is fleeting, a feeling that overwhelms us with joy then all too quickly passes, fading into our memories.
I have a solid job, a roof over my head, a terrific furry soulmate and wonderful family and friends who I cherish. I have every reason to be happy. And sometimes I am. But sometimes I’m not.
I was in a size four, in love, excelling at Pilates, practicing a healthy lifestyle and had goals for the future.
Was I happy? I thought so.
I am liberated from toxic relationships, free to do as I please and have the ability to manage my work schedule accordingly. Am I happy? I should be.
But the reality is – I am not happy all the time. Why is that?
I’m disappointed in myself for allowing self-pity and emotional discord to rule my world. I’m angry for allowing me to deceive me – the denial that accompanies the proclamation of “I’m fine.”
When I was able to get back into the moment, I was on the treadmill, disgusted and livid for not stepping up for myself before today. And I’m downright mad for not getting hold of this before I felt like I did in that moment.
So, no. I’m not happy right now. And it’s my own darned fault.
Happiness takes grit, commitment, tries, fails – and a willingness to do that again day in and day out. I’ve lacked that strength as of late, but I feel it’s dawning in my soul.
My a-ha moment was when I tried to put my head around what happiness truly means. And I don’t think it’s a state of being. I believe happiness unfolds in moments of time that we need to recognize, grab hold of and celebrate. To get through life, we need to recall those moments because that is the secret creating more and if we can tally enough, maybe happiness can be a state of being.
But until then, don’t worry. Be happy.
